2011 Last Day

So here is the thing for the last day of this year: REVIEW and RESOLUTION

Let's start for the flashback of what I've done this year:

January: went to Osaka, auditioned for the countdown event but failed (which pushed me to have to perform on the this year countdown)

February: back to Jakarta

March: spring holiday in Jakarta

April: back to Japan, applied for Honors scholarship, Indonesian week practice

May: desperately waiting for Honors result, more tense in Indonesian week practice

June: Honors scholarship final result (thank God, I passed)

July: Indonesian Week 2011 and shinjin kouen

August: Summer holiday in Japan, participating in lots of exchange activities, homestay, and baito

September: Went to Osaka-Kyoto-Nara, moving out to downtown, saman for entrance ceremony fall 2011, graduation ceremony

October: Went to Osaka again for exchange by shinkansen, start of new fall semester, participated in tenkusai 2011 (arauma and age aisu stand), starting to be super stress out coz of the roommate stuffs

November: Passed the SA final result, performed mairaku, homestay again in oguni kumamoto, preparing Indonesian Week 2012 (selected as the external coordinator), still stress out coz of the roommate stuffs

December: Went to Nagasaki for exchange, OJT SA, baito, finally got other 2 roommates :), will perform in the countdown event (in the next 4 hours)

My last 6 months life has been turning upside down like a roller coaster. It's like before the school started, it was one of the best moments that ever happened in my life, on the other side, it was truly mess after the school started.

Lots of stress.
Lots of worries.
Lots of anxieties
Lots of anger.

I still remember when the final result of the scholarship came out, one of my friend got the scholarship and also passed the SA screening. On that time, I imagined how lucky and how happy she was. But, when I recall again about things that have happened to me in this year, I think that maybe that time was not the best time for me to be SA. Maybe God knows that I would face lots of troubles this semester and He know that by being accepted in SA would cheer me up a little bit. Maybe He wants me to wait so that I could be more grateful and cherish the moment more.

If I just see the 6 months life I have lived in, maybe it's not that good. Maybe it's quite a mess.
However, if I see the whole year, I think I accomplish my targets that I made last year.

That I wanted
-to perform in the countdown event
-to be more active in circle
-to join arauma
-to perform in tenkusai
-to get scholarship
-to be accepted in SA
-to have baito
-to join lots of exchange activities

God has granted my wishes and gave me more than what I wanted.
So, I shouldn't look this year as a bad year at all if I see the bigger picture.
Bad things happened.
That's life.
We never can ever predict when it will come.
It just happened.
And all we can do is face it, suck it up, and have a faith that there is a silver lining in every problem that we face.

About resolution, to be honest, I don't know what my resolutions are for next year.
But for now, let just hope that next year will be much more better than this year.

Anw, cheers 2011!

And 2012, please be nice.

beauty is you

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that as you immerse yourself in the beauty of the world, the beauty of the world immerses itself in you.
	The more you see beauty, the more beautiful you become. Let yourself be one of God's most glorious creations.

in the midst of coldness

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that within each heart is a spark of the Divine.
	These sparks of Divinity and love can reach into the darkness and transform it. However, there may be times when you need to shine your heart extra brightly because others may be struggling to keep their spark alive. Let your light bring hope to a situation that feels dark and hopeless.

beauty is only skin deep

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time to let people see your inner beauty.
	It's time to let people know the real you. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be. You are more beautiful on the inside than you realize, and you need to share that beauty with others. Be transparent, let your guard down, let people know the real you.

big amen for this

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that your longing for God will be rewarded.
	God always hears a yearning spirit.

12-12-11

Today is the day when super embarrassing thing has happened during my entire life *thank God I was alone that time*

An hour late, on the same day, I get a letter which turns me emotionally touched.

See how funny life can be.

Anw, for you who sent me the letter,
thank you for your support.

また会うまで、待ってる。

Thanks for reminding me that these crap will mean something

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that you weren't created to be a failure.
	Sure some things may not have worked out and there have been some disappointments. But all these things helped guide you in a direction that was meant for you. Your life has purpose and significance. Try to be patient if it isn't all crystal clear just yet. For now, just know that you weren't created to fail.

********

sneaking like a mouse,
having no manner,
having no initiative,
having nothing but being hypocrite only.

those above mostly describe who you are.

I know it's subjective, but for me, you are that kind of person.

life sucks

life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks
life sucks life sucks life sucks life sucks

nothing

have u ever feel lost?
like u don't care anything?

when life is turning you up and down,
you just want to stop,
do nothing,
and not move.
nothing else

take notes!

Rumors are carried by haters, spread by fools, and accepted by idiots.

Ugly Truth

Meredith:  I feel like one of those people who are so freaking miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people. Like I'm some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress.

Alex: A miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress? [Wolf whistle] That's hot. That's really hot. I feel better already.

What I want to point out is that sometimes when you're having problems, knowing that other is facing a worse problem makes you feel better a little bit.

Happiness sometimes comes from dancing on somebody's misery. It's mean. But it's the ugly truth rite?

faith

Kita hrs memiliki iman bhw segala sesuatu akan berhasil entah bagaimana,krn Tuhan akan membuat jalan bagi kita walau tampaknya tidak mungkin

distraction in need!

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that there are many distractions in this world.
	Some are pleasant; some are not. But whether they are pleasant or not, when you get swayed by distractions, you will lose your focus. What is important to you? Focus on that and then when you need a break, you can choose to allow to be distracted.

roller coaster

Life is like a roller coaster.

There is up.

There is down.

Everybody loves to be on the top,

No person alive wants to be in the bottom.

However, the wheels keep rolling.

No matter how painstakingly you are to manage your position on the top, somehow life twirls you and pushes you straight down to the bottom.

You call it destiny, bad luck, whatever #lifesucks

In many cases, it didn't happen once. It happened a lot, more, and more again.

Until you reach to the point when you asked yourself, what the hell I have done? Why endless problems came to me and broke me apart?

You started to lose faith. You started to doubt everyone, everything.

Yet, don't lose faith. Miracle does happen.

Well that's what I feel today.

In the midst of tiring, time and energy consuming problems after problems, there comes 1 silver lining.

System Assistant Team Member Fall 2011

Stanford Commencement Address 2005

'You've got to find what you love,' Jobs says

This is a prepared text of the Commencement address delivered by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation.
Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.
 I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?
It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.

Let me give you one example:
Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.
Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.
I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.
I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.
During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.


My third story is about death.
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family.

It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.
This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

fallen eyelash

For every eyelash that drops,
I wish it were you who were thinking about me.
I wish it were you who missed me.

I know it is foolish to trust sort of superstition like that,
However deep down inside, I always hope that it is true.

static

" I think I just have to sit and not move because if i do who knows what else is gonna come along and rip my life apart. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do..."

> " What do anything?" 

" Eventually I have to get up. When I think about Sarah I don't think about her DNA, I think about how we grew up together in a same house, in a same weird family and you know, how we share diaries and shampoos..."

" I've been grieving for the father I don't even know and I was just starting to get all happy..."

> " I wouldn't let this destroy that. You hold on to what good, what makes you happy..."

" You make me happy..."

> " I do? "

" Would it be ok for you if we just sit here for a while..."

> "As long as you want..."

lol

"To mark up the day when your silly brain can actually come out with  such a good line..."

"I don't know since when, but we both came along the same path.
Just as you shook me, you brought my heart out of my hidden cave.
Just like my heart was broken, I became more and more curious of you.
I wanted to see you and with the mere thought of you, I smiled silly.
You made me into a fool.
After you make me into a fool, you bring up divorce? *HAHA*
The one who betrays my heart is not me, but you..."

<3<3

:)

The truth is I never consider you as native at all.
You are more Indonesian than me (since you are going to Indonesia again this summer, even I am not).
lol.
Can I come across with you again tomorrow?

You may not be the only reason why I smile, but you are definitely my favorite one.

Mas Batik Ganteng

ya ampun si mas batik ganteng banget dah hari ini.
hahaha.

Fear

My greatest fear is that if I continue to keep this feeling,
if I too emotionally hope for you,
I will be torn apart in the end.

I don't want the history to repeat itself  for the second time.

Nah, not this time.

You

You are really charming when you do nothing.

You are the main reason why I come to the practice.

You have those sad-puppy-eyes that never fail me to not look at you.

You make me smile with that hilarious jokes or movements that you did.

You never fail to surprise me with your language skill in my native language.

You are the person that I always want to come across with  in the street.

And today just by replying my tweet, you may just have made my day :D

What is this ?

Sunshine After the Rain

After almost 2 months full of swing mood, tears, and prayer, 
here is the most waiting result :

It is really happening,

just like what it was said in the previous post :)

I believe that God has planned this.

Thank you Jesus and Mother Mary :)

Thank you mom, dad, and koko.

Thank you K Hanna and K Zona who have helped me a lot.

Thank you to you also for every encouragements and endless prayer that you give.

June 22,2011-Honors Scholarship Recipient

Hope it is true :)

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that you have to pass through a dark night of the soul.

Everyone does, including you. A time comes when what you have always believed is true melts away underneath you. When you cast in doubt even the most obvious, the most simple. When it seems that dark night is all around, and you are all alone. Take heart, this journey through abyss is the final barrier before your emergence into the heavenly light of a new synthesis of your being. God is waiting for you on the other side.

No Worries

Recently I have a lot of worries.
Scholarship, roommates, mairaku audition, etc.
This last few months I have been starting to open a catholic daily prayer and it's quite useful and really open my mind
Here is the most appropriate topic for me I guess:

18 Juni - 2Kor 12:1-10; Mat 6:24-34

"Janganlah kamu kuatir akan hari besok"

(2Kor 12:1-10; Mat 6:24-34)

"Tak seorangpun dapat mengabdi kepada dua tuan. Karena jika demikian, ia akan membenci yang seorang dan mengasihi yang lain, atau ia akan setia kepada yang seorang dan tidak mengindahkan yang lain. Kamu tidak dapat mengabdi kepada Allah dan kepada Mamon." . "Karena itu Aku berkata kepadamu: Janganlah kuatir akan hidupmu, akan apa yang hendak kamu makan atau minum, dan janganlah kuatir pula akan tubuhmu, akan apa yang hendak kamu pakai. Bukankah hidup itu lebih penting dari pada makanan dan tubuh itu lebih penting dari pada pakaian?  Pandanglah burung-burung di langit, yang tidak menabur dan tidak menuai dan tidak mengumpulkan bekal dalam lumbung, namun diberi makan oleh Bapamu yang di sorga. Bukankah kamu jauh melebihi burung-burung itu?  Siapakah di antara kamu yang karena kekuatirannya dapat menambahkan sehasta saja pada jalan hidupnya?  Dan mengapa kamu kuatir akan pakaian? Perhatikanlah bunga bakung di ladang, yang tumbuh tanpa bekerja dan tanpa memintal,  namun Aku berkata kepadamu: Salomo dalam segala kemegahannyapun tidak berpakaian seindah salah satu dari bunga itu. Jadi jika demikian Allah mendandani rumput di ladang, yang hari ini ada dan besok dibuang ke dalam api, tidakkah Ia akan terlebih lagi mendandani kamu, hai orang yang kurang percaya?  Sebab itu janganlah kamu kuatir dan berkata: Apakah yang akan kami makan? Apakah yang akan kami minum? Apakah yang akan kami pakai?  Semua itu dicari bangsa-bangsa yang tidak mengenal Allah. Akan tetapi Bapamu yang di sorga tahu, bahwa kamu memerlukan semuanya itu. Tetapi carilah dahulu Kerajaan Allah dan kebenarannya, maka semuanya itu akan ditambahkan kepadamu. Sebab itu janganlah kamu kuatir akan hari besok, karena hari besok mempunyai kesusahannya sendiri. Kesusahan sehari cukuplah untuk sehari." (Mat 6:24-34), demikian kutipan Warta Gembira hari ini

Berrefleksi atas bacaan-bacaan hari ini saya sampaikan catatan-catatan sederhana sebagai berikut:

·   Pemanasan global, berbagai bencana alam serta aneka macam bentuk perkembangan membuat banyak orang kuatir akan masa depan. Untuk menutupi atau mengatasai kekuatiran tersebut ada orang yang bertindak di luar kemampuannya alias kemudian melakukan yang aneh-aneh. Sabda Yesus hari ini mengingatkan kita semua untuk tidak kuatir akan masa depan asal kita pada saat ini melakukan apa yang baik sesuai dengan panggilan, tugas pengutusan atau pekerjaan kita masing-masing.  "Janganlah kamu kuatir akan hari besok, karena hari besok mempunyai kesusahannya sendiri. Kesusahan sehari cukuplah untuk sehari", demikian sabda Yesus. Hari besok atau masa depan tergantung dari hari ini, itulah kebenaran yang selayaknya kita imani atau amini. Maka baiklah apapun yang menjadi tugas, tanggungjawab atau kewajiban kita pada saat ini, marilah kita kerjakan sebaik dan seoptimal mungkin sesuai dengan kekuatan, kemungkinan dan kesempatan yang kita miliki. Kekuatiran akan hari besok memang dapat mendua: di satu sisi ada kemungkinan orang menjadi frustrasi sehingga tidak berkonsentrasi melakukan tugas, pekerjaan atau kewajiban saat ini, sedangkan di sisi lain ada kemungkinan orang dengan sungguh-sungguh melakukan tugas, pekerjaan atau kewajiban hari ini. Yang kemudian itulah yang hendaknya kita hayati. Dalam melaksanakan tugas, pekerjaan atau kewajiban kita juga dipanggil untuk ' mencari Kerajaan Allah dan kebenarannya", artinya menemukan Allah dan kehendakNya dalam tugas, pekerjaan atau kewajiban tersebut. Maka lihat dan hayati apa yang baik, luhur, mulia dan indah dalam tugas, pekerjaan atau kewajiban tersebut, agar kita dengan bergairah, dinamis dan penuh semangat melaksanakannya dan dengan demikian kita dapat melaksanakannya dengan baik sesuai dengan kehendak Allah.

·   "Cukuplah kasih karuniaKu bagimu, sebab justru dalam kelemahanlah kuasaKu menjadi sempurna" (2Kor 12:9), demikian kesaksian iman Paulus, yang selayaknya juga menjadi kesaksian iman kita semua. Kita semua berasal dari tanah dan akan kembali menjadi tanah, dengan kata lain jati diri kita masing-masing adalah orang-orang yang lemah dan rapuh. Bahwa kita dapat hidup, tumbuh dan berkembang sebagaimana adanya pada masa kini sungguh merupakan karya Allah.  Kita sering disebut sebagai orang beriman, yaitu orang yang mempersembahkan diri seutuhnya kepada Allah, percaya kepada Penyelenggaraan Ilahi, maka baiklah hal itu tidak hanya manis di bibir/mulut saja, tetapi menjadi nyata dalam cara hidup dan cara bertindak kita. Marilah kita imani dan hayati bahwa segala bentuk kekuatan, keterampilan, bakat, kemampuan dan harta benda yang kita miliki merupakan karya dan anugerah Allah serta harus kita fungsikan sesuai dengan kehendak Allah, yaitu demi kebahagiaan umum dan keselamatan jiwa manusia. Kami berharap kita semua sungguh menjadi citra dan gambar Allah karena Allah sungguh hidup dan berkarya dalam diri kita yang lemah dan rapuh ini, sehingga siapapun yang melihat atau hidup bersama dengan kita akan tergerak untuk semakin beriman, mempersembahkan diri seutuhnya kepada Allah dalam atau melalui cara hidup dan cara bertindak setiap hari dimanapun dan kapanpun.  Marilah kita bermegah dalam  kelemahan dan kerapuhan kita karena Allah sungguh hidup dan berkarya dalam diri kita, dengan kata lain ketika berada dalam kelemahan atau kerapuhan hendaknya tidak menjadi kuatir atau frustrasi.

"Malaikat Tuhan berkemah di sekeliling orang-orang yang takut akan Dia, lalu meluputkan mereka. Kecaplah dan lihatlah, betapa baiknya Tuhan itu! Berbahagialah orang yang berlindung padaNya. Takutlah akan Tuhan, hai orang-orang  kudusNya, sebab tak berkekurangan orang yang takut akan Dia. Singa-singa muda merana kelaparan, tetapi orang yang mencari Tuhan , tidak akan kekurangan sesuatupun yang baik " (Mzm 34:8-11)

Ign 18 Juni 2011

Grateful

So here is the chronology.

April 28th, 2011

I passed 1st screening of Honors Scholarship!
One of the best day ever :)))

May 10th, 2011

I went to downtown, celebrated k Magda's bday (though came very late), and stayed a night in K Hanna & K Zona's house which was super fun coz we talked and got so many precious advices from them :))

May 11th, 2011

Starting the day by going out to find breakfast (1st option was to eat fried gyoza unfortunately it was closed) and ended up in kaori ramen. Had a nice chat with K Hanna & K Zona, then just realized that my 4 seniors have super incredibly great achievements.
At 1 p.m went back to AP House, hastily took a shower and prepared the materials for 2nd screening honors scholarship.At 2 p.m, going down to internet room to copy something, then when I re-checked, just found out that my ID Card was gone. Super panic, ran up and down from my room to the internet room. Checking every possible place but didn't find it. Hopelessly ran to the IPS 3 at 2.45 p.m, called K Hanna said to her that I might have left my ID in her house. She told me not to be panic and asked me to go to IPS 3 immediately.
There, K Hanna helped me to ask whether it was ok if I didn't bring my ID and amazingly it was OK!
Trying my best to register online in the computer (with K Hanna's help) then hopelessly came home miserably painful just to find out that my ID Card was in my other bag. Blamed myself for being that careless and stupid in the most important day. Screwed my day with my carelessness.

Days before May 25th, 2011

Blaming myself for not doing my best in the 2nd screening (in my opinion). Scared of the result that would come. Couldn't think clearly. Making my own gut (which I shouldn't have done). Starting every day in the morning with the thought that I might fail. Feeling desperate and hopeless. In my worst temper. Fought with my mom a lot. Being a bad friend to my chat-friend. Listening to When You Believe almost every day to pump up my hope and spirit. Doing novena prayer everyday. Reading bible and muse every morning.

May 25th ,2011

Woke up at 11 something. Turning on my laptop at 11.48 a.m. Opened my campus terminal, got a message regarding about my 2nd screening. Turned out that I passed 2nd screening :DDDD

Feeling grateful more than ever.

Realizing that Jesus answers my prayer.

Starting to believe that miracle does happen when you believe.
Disbelieving my own gut coz it doesn't show me anything but endless worries.

#prayingforthe finalresultonJune22th

Who knows what miracle, 

you can achieve?

When you believe,

somehow you will.

You will when you believe.

When You Believe-Mariah Carey feat Whitney Houston

Special Thanks to:

my family

K Hanna

K Zona

and you who painstakingly go to the church everyday and wait for 12 p.m just to pray for me

One Saturday

Last Saturday, when I was still in my hometown, I went to my high school with my high-school-mate.

It was really fun coming back to that school not as a student.
It made you reminisced the things that had happened on the last 3 years.
Times went like forever when I was at that school, especially the last 1 year.
I still remembered that my principal said this in the opening ceremony when I was still a freshman:

"Di suatu sore nanti, saya akan melepas kalian semua dari sekolah ini."

I used to think, when the hell it would come.
Finally, that time came.
Through all stress and pressures, slow but sure, it did come.
It was like a dream that you finally graduate and got out from that school.

The school which you used to hate.
The school which you used to promise that you wouldn't ever come back again for any reason.
The school which had one of the most competitive circumstance I've ever had.

Yet,it is
the school that pushed me to the my maximum ability so that I could explore and find out my ability,
 the school that had given me so many opportunities to learn and grow,
the school that disciplined me,
the school that taught me how to be independent and strong,
the school where I can have amazing friends till today,
the school where I can have precious uncountable experiences.

Anyway, we explored that school by sneaking to 2nd floor and saw my-used-to-be classrooms, and eating the famous food there which was "MIE BABI".

Also I went to the other canteen where I used to eat noodles and drink the same juice every day.
When I went to that canteen and wanted to buy the juice, the juice-seller unexpectedly still recognized me and called my name.
He asked me whether I still wanted to have the same juice like I used to have when I was in high school.
Then he asked where my university was and asked whether my place got the effect of the tsunami or not.

I don't know why but this small incident kept me smiling the whole day.
I was guilty though coz even I don't know what his name is, yet he knew mine.

I think maybe because I haven't forgotten yet,
I am still remembered by the surroundings I used to have.

Spending 3 years in Santa Ursula is bitter, sweet, and strange.

There are many tiring, stressful, and unpleasant memories.
However, there are thousand other undescribable memories.
To be honest, i don't know whether they were all good or not.

1 thing I know for sure is that they have added colours in my life.

Anw,
terima kasih Santa Ursula.

Girls Night Out

On Thursday April 7,2011 all Sanurians held a "bakery meeting" in one of my senior's house.
So it called because we were going to bake cakes! yeay ;D
Basically there were 7 out of 11 people who joined the party (4 seniors from the 4th year, 1 from the 3rd year, and 2 from the 1st year).
We started around 5 o'clock and made 2 cakes which were cheese cake and chocolate cake.
The cheese cake were really good with berries on it, unfortunately the chocolate lava (i guess) were kinda messed up.

Even my senior said it tasted like "sate" and looked like "batu vulkanik".LOL.

Then we continued by gossiping and last of all by karaoke-ing.

Since it was too late and there was not bus which went to AP house again, I spent a night at my senior's apartment and went back to the AP house the next morning.

 Anw, quite a new and  exciting experience, I guess.

Spring Holiday

ただいま～

Coming back to Japan.
Again.

Here are TO-GO-LIST, TO-DO-LIST, TO-EAT-LIST  for my spring break.

1. Puncak
2. Bandung
3. Cianjur
4. Ciater
5, Anywhere as long as I met my friends.

All are checked, except no 4 -.-"

TO-DO-LIST

1. Mastering on playing 1 more song at least
2. Knitting
3. Baking cakes
4. Playing tennis
5. Cutting my hair
6. Spa

1 maybe checked, 5 & 6 checked, rest failed.

TO-EAT-LIST

1. Kue putu
2. Kue Pukis
3. Sweetheart cake
4. Wedang Ronde/sekoteng
5. Pizza
6. KFC
7. Sundanese food

All checked.

Basically there was nothing special in this holiday.
I killed my time by going to the japanese course, cooking, reading, karaoke-ing, and watching.
Mostly, I only could go out with my family on weekend and most of my friends were busy with their uni lives so we only met once.
Therefore, I was really looking forward to weekend coz those are 2 days when I could spend my time with family.
Unfortunately, it was not as smooth as it seemed.
They were like fighting almost every weekend.
I think the best weekend is the last weekend I spent in Jakarta coz they didn't fight.
The weird part is in the weekday, they rarely fought. In contrast, they fought almost in every weekend.
I could say nothing.

Anyway, I also met my highschool friends in GI and we had a karaoke together.
The funny thing is, when we were karaoke-ing, only Maltal and I who knew the super oldies song, like the soundtrack of "The Returned of Condor Heroes" (so cheesy, I admit) and "Mengapa Tiada Maaf".
I was really surprised that we could finally find the title of the song coz we didn't know what the title was, when we were about to sing the song.

Nothing was significantly different on them from high school.
Still the same people with the same behaviour.
Really glad to see and talk and laugh with them again.
Just like in high school.

During my holiday, I also invited my cousin to my house.
It was really nice to finally could meet him, and talk everything with him.
The hilarious thing is when we were talking about something, we kinda switched or connected that topic to other topic, and at the end, we finally forgot what we were talking about in the first place.
Like first, we talked about diary (you know when you were a kid in the elementary school, you exchanged your diaries around your classmates to have their biodatas sort of) then I remembered something and I told him, then he replied me, so on and so for.
At last, finally we found ourselves talking about religion and politics which were definitely so unconnected with the first topic that we talked about. 
We just talked and it flew like that.
I will miss that moment. badly.

Also, I had karaoke with my family like twice and went to the cinema which was surprising knowing that my dad was a bit stingy.
Maybe he did that for me:)

Anyway, I just want to say thank you, especially to:

my mom and dad.
Cannisius Marco Kurnia (though we didn't meet)
Eric Hindralijaya
Franceline Elisabeth
Maria Anindita Nareswari
Maria Tarisa Soeganda
Rosaline Halim
Jessica Bharata
Grimi and Koni

and every people that has coloured my spring holiday in Jakarta.

I wish you all the very best,
good luck with your studies and life,
and see you~

???? Life

In this life, there is a time when we are so happy and grateful that we are still given a time to live.

To see what a wonderful world it is, according to Louis Armstrong.

However, in the next minute,life can turn you upside down that you will completely take back all the good words about how beautiful the world is, how grateful you are because your life is like a crap.

One minute you are in heaven, next minute you might be in hell.

Life can be so screw up.

Messy.

Like it consumes you up.

Your time, your energy, your everything.

I don't have any idea why things can turn to the total opposite in just a minute, or why do we always have to deal with millions of problems.

Maybe it is what we are supposed to do.

Maybe life should be loaded with tons of problems so that we can learn how to survive in this world, how to be more grateful each and every day for everything and everyone that we have,how to value this one shot to live in this world.

Life is crap sometimes.

Get used to it.

Live with it.

So you may find in this crazy world a little bit of hope to hold on to.

time

Life moves fast.

So damn fast that you can barely realize it.

Geez, how many hours have I spent uselessly?

ALL THE TIME.

Home

Ok it's been a while since my last post.
Here is a brief summary about what had happened from the end of January till the beginning of February.

After finishing all the exams which are nihongo and kaikeigaku, there came PARTIES! such as E Building Nabe Party, E5 Barbeque Party, and APU INA 22 Lunch Party which turned quite fun ;D

The Nihongo kimatus shiken's results had come out and Thank God they were not as bad as what I imagined. Here is the detail:

bunpou:78/84
chokai; 20/24
reading:33,5/34
sakubun: 18/20
kanji:80/80

Actually there is JLPT and kaiwa however since the results remain unknown till this day, I can't tell.

On February 8th, I finally came back to JAKARTA!!

We got on the bus at 6 a.m at Beppu wan and after a long journey, I finally arrived at 6 p.m.

Nothing special happened in my birthday, just casual happy-birthday-saying from my friend ,no birthday surprise whatever, anyway the most important thing is I'M HOME!!!!

I used to imagine how cool it was when I finally arrived at Jakarta after months studying abroad like what my brother felt (I doubt that he thinks it's cool though). 
The reality is that when you finally come back to your hometown, you barely believe that it is real.
You won't even whether it is a cool thing whatsoever because at the end of the day, you just want to be at your home, surrounded with the people whom you love.
I think that is the most worthful present for my birhtday.

It's like a dream that one day you finally wake up and here you are, come back to your home again.
Life moves so damn fast that you barely even feel it.

The thing is, I'm in my home now.
But, I don't feel it is right which is crazy because this time is the time that I longed for months when I was still in Japan.

So, I just can conclude that men never ever will satisfy with everything that they have right now.
Seriously, it is really hard to be grateful of what you have at this moment because we always want what we don't have or can't have which is really a pain on the ass.


Anyway, I hope that I can throw this stupid useless thought inside my mind far far away because I know that I will think the opposite when I finally come back to Japan.

The Unsent Letter

How do you thank someone who is turning you from crayon to perfume?

It isn't easy but I'll try.... 
-Quoted from "To Sir With Love"-

The thing I do not want to do the most:

is to make you sad.

is to embarrass you.

is to bring you down.

The thing I do want to do the most:

is to make you happy.

is to make you proud.

is to lighten your burden.

Nevertheless, a lot of times, I do feel like:

I am the stupidest person,

I am useless,

I am a coward,

because

I didn't manage my time well,

I didn't make us of the opportunities that were coming to me,

I didn't try harder,

I didn't maximize my ability,

I did nothing.

Most of time:

I was very lonely,

I feel like I do have nobody,

I feel like everyone hates me,

I feel like nobody cares me,

I feel like I have shouted out loud, but no one notices me.

Nonetheheless,

You brighten my stupid-narrow mind,

You open my perspective,

You give a-never-ending encouragement whenever I need it the most,

You support me in every thing that I do,

You always be there whenever I need it,

You raise me up when I am down,

You give me your prayer when I ask you for it,

And you keep reminding me of how proud you are for having me.

So yes,

I want to be a better person each day for you.

Thank you mom for everything.

Even though words can't describe how grateful and thankful I am, I know you will understand.

I love you the most.

AP ハウス１、E 523
別府市、大分県
日本
２０１１年１月３１日

Mother-Daughter Connection

Yesterday, I was so lazy.
Lazy to study *definitely*
Lazy to even touch my book.
Lazy to do everything at all.

I don't know why but my mood nowadays is kinda upside down.
This minute I can be so happy,while, in contrast, the next minute it can be hell.
It might relate to teenager's-unstable-mood-and-hormone I guess.

So I was hopelessly trying to find something that hopefully might boost my mood.
I searched text messages from my mom coz I found it was encouraging sometimes.

In that time, while I was looking for which text message should be read, I got a message.
And it's from my mom's!
The surprising thing is that the message which she sent me contained the encouragement that I longed for.

It looks like there is a telephaty between us.

Anw, I LOVE YOU MOM THE MOST ;D

Extremely Cheessy, but Quite Hilarious ;D

Aku seneng deh Cinta Fitri udah abis, sekarang saatnya Cinta Kita ♥ (via @vendristayulia) #anjinggombal

Kamu pikir kepala aku bundaran HI? kok kamu bisa dengan bebas muter muter disitu gak mau berhenti sih? (via @rahneputri)

Aku tau kenapa aku ga bisa berenang. Mungkin supaya aku bisa cepat tenggelam di dasar hatimu (via @rahneputri)

Ada ga sih deterjen yang ampuh? senyum kamu ga ilang-ilang kaya noda di kepala (via @galihss) #anjinggombal

Eh kamu lapor gih ke RT. Udah lebih dari 24 jam jadi tamu di kepalaku (via @ditanp) #anjinggombal

Seandainya aku jadi atlet, aku pengin jadi atlet terjun payung biar bisa mendarat dihatimu. (via @zelaluw) #anjinggombal 

Daripada parkir di mall bayar, mending parkirin cinta eneng di hati abang. Gratis (via @reza_sb) #kuisAXIS

Untung mikirin kamu itu GRATIS. Kalau bayar pasti duitnya bisa buat lunasin hutang negara (via @enaknyajadidian) #kuisAXIS 

Dik, lahirnya pas tahun baru? Kok pas liat kamu banyak kembang api di hatiku? (via @newsplatter) #anjinggombal

kamu itu kayak lempengan bumi ya, bergeser dikit aja bisa gempa hati aku (via @tyzmy) #anjinggombal

Punya obeng gak? Aku mau ganjel mataku nih biar bisa liat kamu terus. (via @topeeeer) #anjinggombal 

Neng, kok bajunya basah gitu? Kena siraman cinta abang yah? (via @avianIP) #anjinggombal 

taken from http://twitter.com/#!/Anjinggombal

Hope it will make your day ;D

Another-Going-to-be-a-Busy-Week

Here is my schedule for next week.

Monday : 劇と文法クイズ
Tuesday: Deadline submission for Accounting assignment (I even barely understand about the topic)
Wednesday: WS 1 and 2 presentation (which are freaking me out, esp. for WS 2)
Thursday and Friday: 日本語の期末試験

I do really hope that all the things above will go well.
*crossing my fingers*

Anw, the message below quite brightens my mind.

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ... that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes.
	There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.

Happy or Not ????

Today my workshop 2 group was chosen to give the presentation in the big class next week as it is considered the best group (I guess).

びっくりしました！！！！！

I don't have any single idea why they chose me at all.
I mean super seriously, if my group's presentation was that brilliant, I would be honoured to present it again.
The reality is it is not that good.
Far from brilliant.
A bit weird to be honest.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I'm afraid I will embarass myself next week.

So the question is
should I be happy or not????

Clueless

Do you ever feel
like a plastic bag
drifting to the wind
wanting to start again?
 -katy perry-fireworks-

Hell yeah I do feel that. 
All the time.
:(

HELLO JAKARTA! *next month*

Emptiness.
The best word that can describe me now.

For the last couple weeks, I do have really missed my home.
Why is it happening now?
After 4 months living here?
No idea at all.
Maybe coz it is getting nearer for my next plane home.

Next month, in this date,
I WILL BE AT HOME!!!!!!!
I wiil be watching TV or talkin' with my parents or whatever it is.
The important thing is 
I'LL BE AT HOME!!!!!!
That is what really matters for me at all.
*I'm crossing my fingers for my spring break*

Am I Perfect?

On this day of your life, Fabiola, we believe God wants you to know ..  that you are perfect as you are.
	God doesn't create faulty life. No. Everything created by God is perfect, and so are you. So stop driving yourself mad with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is.

One Sunday Afternoon

Here I am,

On Sunday afternoon,
stranded in my room,
with nothing to do,
and noone to talk to.

WHAT KIND OF WEEKEND IS IT??!!!

All because of the freakin' snow.

大阪の旅行

January 1st, 2011

猛吹雪があったから、大分交通バスがAP ハウスへ行けません.
午前１０．３０ （私は午前１０時起きた）、タクシで別府町へ行った。
高かった！！（３０００円ぐらいだよ）
先輩の家に着いて、荷物を預かりました。
午後６時、フエリーに乗りました。
フエリーで、お風呂に入った。
気持ちがよくなりました。

January 2nd, 2011

大阪に着いた！
ホテルへ行って、荷物を預かって、散歩しました。
新世界、天の寺　へ行った！

January 3rd, 2011
ユニバーサル・スタジオ・ジャパン へ行った！
寒かったですが、楽しかっただよ！
インドネシア人も会った。


January 4th, 2011
大阪城へ行った。
きれいだった　；）


January 5th, 2011
難波と信施相場氏支持へ行った
赤いコートを 買った！
フエリーで別府へ帰った

January 6th, 2011
午前六時、別府に着いた
つかれた～

大晦日

I know it is really too late but let me say

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011 !!!!!!

あけまして　おめでとうございます！！！！！！

今年もよろしくねえ　：）

These are what had happened after Christmas.

December 26th 2010 - December 30th 2010

Basically, nothing special happened on those days coz I just stayed at AP ハウス and did my　日本語　宿題, 日本語原稿, workshop, lalala -______-".
I just went out to the Trial to buy food stuffs for my trip to 大阪。

December 31st 2010

It was the last day of the year.
I stayed at AP ハウス coz I would go to 大阪 the next day so I thought it would be better if I didn't go to the downtown to watch the countdown stuffs (like most of my friends did) coz the last bus to the AP ハウス 前was at 6 p.m which meant that if I had watched the countdown, I would have had to stay overnight at the downtown.
So, yes, I just spent my day in my dorm.
Just like any other night. Nothing special indeed.

In the evening, Prima, Bk, and I decided to go to お風呂 (as Bk and I had promised that before 2010 ended, we ought to go to at least once :D).
At 7 p.m, together we went to　お風呂 and that was my first time お風呂 ;)))
It was nice actually. Pretty relaxing ur mind and body.
I bathed in the お風呂 longer than the others.

And that was the cause of what would happen next.
Since my friends had gone out, I rushed from the お風呂 to catch up with them.
Suddenly, slow but sure, I lost my vision.
My damn-low-blood-pressure.
It's getting darker and darker for every step that I walked.
I could walk, I coud hear, and I did not lose my consciousness.
I just couldn't see clearly.
My friends said that I looked like I got trance by ofuro's ghost or something.
Anyway I finally got into my room (with my friends' helps coz I couldn't see the keyhole to insert my room's key) and regained my vision again.
Pretty funny if I remind it again though ;D

Compared to last year, maybe this new year's eve was really dull.
Still fresh in my mind that last year my family and I celebrated the new year in Puncak (of course).
What made it become special was the arrival of my 2 cousins whom I hadn't met for years to Indonesia!!!
It was really great to see them coz it was rare to see them.
New Year's Day, last year, we gathered in my grandparents' villa and played cards together with all of my cousins which was really really fun ;DDDD.

My face was full of powder coz I lost a lot. lol. ;D

In contrast, this new year's eve, I was all alone.
With noone special.
With nothing special to do.

Nonetheless, I still remember that last new year's eve, when I was watching hanabi, I prayed to God so I could continue my study here.
And here I am now.
Safely and sound arrived at Japan and studied here.
Exactly like what I longed for last year.

So, what's the regret?
I don't deny that a lot of times I do really really miss my home.
I miss my bedroom.
I miss the sounds of the noisy-chirping-birds that wake me up every morning.
I miss the sounds of the knocking door from my parents to wake me up or to open my room's windows.
I miss the music of the old-people-morning-exercise at the garden near my house which also wakes me up from my sleep.
I miss kue putu and sekoteng at Puncak.
I miss my dogs, Grimi and Konkon.
I miss my parents and brother so much that makes me mushy every time I remember about them.

Life is a choice.
(quoted from my high school principle's favourite sentence that was always repeated by her every time we had assembly at the hall)

For everything that we want, we should give up something for exchange.
Friends, home, even family.

That is life.
Bitter, sweet, and strange.

Let's hope that 2011 new year's eve will be MUCH MUCH BETTER.
*crossing my fingers*