Words of this week

"ケイシャのため、ホームランしてあげるよ〜"
きゃああああ（≧∇≦）

Envy

I know that I'm a person who is easy to get envy. I have known this fact since I was a kid.
It's killing me coz sometimes the envy is so overwhelming that makes me feel like I'm such a bad person who can't be happy for others.
Well, I put my hats off to somebody who really truly can be happy for others happiness.
Coz seriously, I find it is so damn hard to do.
I believe that someone's happiness is built by other's tears.
And for that person who's actually crying inside but still be able to sincerely be happy with others happiness, man, I don't think I can do it.
Believe me I don't wanna be an envious person.
I wanna be a grateful person.
I guess one reason why I become easily envy is because I look up too high .
I expect greatness from me.
Well, to be honest, I'm not even this near with great.
I'm a dull ordinary person.
That's why I shouldn't expect that much.
Less expect for yourself.
Maybe it will help me to be a less envious person.

Last remaining days as college student

Some people start posting in the social media about how we should live our last days in college by creating good memories. Well believe me, I want. But the thing is,  recently my life is empty kinda full of disappointments to be exact. A lot of times I wanna just scream, screw u world! Screw my life!

Overdramatic

Well as the title says, I don't wanna be overdramatic for just can't join this camp issue.
It's just a small matter and definitely not the end of the world.
But yesterday I had a dream that there was a possibility for different result.
It is depressing when u remind urself about the one that got away.
They said, even failure beats the hell out of never trying.
But hell, they didn't mention how hurtful a failure was.
Well the truth is freakin hurts.

What meant to be

I just got a reply from ayd saying that I didn't pass the screening to join the camp.
Yep, again, another failure.
Well, it does sting.
But I've prayed to be strong.
Maybe I am supposed to go home.
Maybe it's what meant to be.

"Every silver cloud has a silver lining" -> so they said.

Well, after talking about how-in-life-we-can't-get-what-we-want with my mom, I am now still confused about what I should do for my summer. I really wanna go back home since I dont know if I can have a long holiday after I work. However, it will be also my last summer holiday in Beppu and 1 thing I will miss the most is definitely the Kumon Kids. I know its only 2 years. But from these 2 years, Ive had fun moments with those "potato kids". I may not participate in 2 weeks kumon camp, but screw it, I get 2 years experience with these kids which can't be replaced with these 2 damn weeks, pardon my language. After knowing the result, I convince myself that maybe if I join the camp, I wont have as much as happiness as I have in Kumon now. Well, it hurts sometimes, but I try to let the damn go. I still dunno what to do in summer. Hopefully I will figure it out soon. I have to believe that this is the best option for me. Might not seem to be in the moment, but hell, maybe I will know, or. screw it, i wont know ,but that wont even matter anymore.

This may be random but I do wish that sometime and somewhere in the future, I will have the chance to meet at least 1 of my students, n he/she will have grown up and will still remember me :D

Today both me n my mom get a bad news. Well, I expected myself to be great. My mom wanted her problem to be over. But, like it or not, bad thing happens. I am, for sure, not great at all in the reality. For my mom, problems seem not easily go away. We just have to suck it up. Keeping the faith that by the time we "connect the dots" as what Steve Jobs said, these bad things wont seem to be bad things. These bad things will be our turning points, good things, or even great things.

At least, through these rejections, I have proved "...that failure,even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying."

Failure

So I didn't pass bookkeeping exam that I took last week. I won't say it was not hard but I guess I didn't do that bad though. I dunno.

Recently I have faced so many failures. Well failure in this context is I failed to get what I wanted.
From job hunting to eic to this. It kinda makes me afraid to challenge something. I was not a person who was afraid to fail. But recently since there are so many failures, I feel like what I will do won't work.

Screw the bookkeeping exam. I can take it next time n probably will pass. But the thing is, it's really not about the exam result. It's about me failing all the times that makes me sick. I won't be this desperate if I got what I wanted.

Anw, fingers crossed for honors and ayd.

I desperately need these 2 to happen.

The classic

I just have finished watching this movie called "The Classic"
The reason I wanna watch this movie is coz I know one soundtrack from this movie and kinda interested on how this song seems to always relate to couple running through the pouring rain.

Well before I watched, I read the comments saying that this movie was so touchy, heartwarming, best movie, and other compliments. So, I assumed that it should be a good one rite.

Then I watched.
Apparently it is a very typical romance movie which I could guess the plot correctly.
Seriously it was too predictable and I even got mad since some stories didn't make sense at all, such as:
1st weirdo thing: why the main male actor all of sudden was dead without unknown reason after the main female actress got married with somebody else ? Well most of u will assume that maybe he was heart broken. But actually he got married n had a son after he knew that his loved one was married to somebody else.

2nd weirdo thing:before the two of them got married, he was still love with her  and when they finally met, he lied to her that he already got married. Wth?!! I mean seriously what is the point of that? Did he lie coz he was ashamed that he was blind? Well if he was ashamed, he still got married with other unknown woman at the end.

3rd weirdo thing: after hearing the story from the main female actress's daughter, the son of the main male actor was crying. Wth?? I mean if he finally knew that his dad was his girlfriend's ex, shouldn't he have been surprised instead?

Some people who wrote comments said that the last part of the movie was the very touching one. Well in my case, I got pretty mad since the story didn't make sense at all. One person even mentioned that if u didn't get touched by it, sth is wrong with ur heart. Seriously, I guess I will have never cried watching this movie. What touching moments? They are maddening moments coz they didn't make sense at all.

Well at least now I know why the soundtrack related to the pouring rain.

You can't always get what you want

Today I just get mail saying that I don't pass eic again.
Don't pass means I don't pass even the first screening.

Well, to be honest, I guess that I did well during the interview but well it turns out bad.

Recently, none of the things that I want can be accomplished.

My dreams are I get my dream job and eic for my senior year.

Reality is total failure.

I don't get anything that I want.

I feel like a lame loser.

I know that we don't get what.
We get what we need.

But seriously, facing the failure is not easy.

It's painful.

Recently I feel that nothing is going right.

I feel that my life is a failure.

Well I know it's stupid to say my life is a failure just because of these 2 things that I can't reach, but still it feels that way.

Maybe it's for the best.
Maybe God has a better plan.
Maybe I am supposed to do other things that will do better than these 2 things.

But right now, it does hurt.

Losing my religion

Recently, to be frankly honest, I have been losing my faith.

I don't know why but I do feel like losing it.

I am lost.

I don't know where to go.

I used to believe in the power of praying.
But now I don't know if it really has something of it.

Anti climax

So I know I am supposed to be happy now. It's my last semester in uni, I only have a few classes, I pass first screening for honors, I still have a roommate at least.every thing seems fine.

But

I don't know.

Recently I was quite depressed, confused, worried, and many so annoying feelings.

Well I guess the resource of my depressed feeling is because I still can't receive that I don't get thing that I want it.

As I've told you, before I did really want to work in japan. I even had prepared for job hunting for long time. But since I had internships here, I realized that it's not easy and I was thinking that it would be fine even if I wouldn't work in japan. So I thought for other choices and SG looked perfect.
My dad wants me to work there, it is near, I have my brother there so I won't be alone. And more important, I guess I am a type that needs a fresh start after some years stuck in one place you know. Like what I felt when I was in my senior year in high school. Just having this urgency to just get out from this place and start something from zero again.

But it didn't work out.

I was depressed coz my dream of being with my bro in a new place with new people couldn't be fulfilled. Actually though it's now been a few weeks, I still can't find the peace, the ability to let go. I know that I should have been grateful as not many friends have got their job now. But still to be honest I'm still completely unsure. Is this the right one? Will they treat me well? Can I do this?

Also maybe my biggest concern is that I have to start working on this oct.and the fact that this company is not as big and cool as what I hoped to. I'm afraid that when somebody asks, I will be embarrassed to tell it which is stupid I know but that's what I'm feeling honestly.

This morning, I also had a breakdown. I felt so insecure, scared, lost, sad, and other stupid feelings.
I don't know it's because I feel so ugly right now or the fact that I will sign the contract tomorrow which takes my nerves out, or just mood swing.

I hate myself a lot of times. Because I'm not good enough, because I'm ugly, because I'm lonely, and thousands of reasons that I can make excuse for.

My mom said that I was not a grateful person.
No, I was not.
I am not a grateful person.
I am a person who envies a lot.
I am a person who rarely satisfies with every thing.

Recently, I start losing my faith.
My mom said that if I've tried my best and I didn't get the ones that I wanted, maybe the one that God has given to me in advance is the right thing for me.
I know that.
I understand that.
But seriously it is not easy.

I do feel sad when I had to bother my mom with stupid message saying I'm stressed, I feel sad, I am depressed.

Sometimes maybe I need to go see psychiatrist. To check whether my mental state is normal or not. Why I do feel like I want to be just lost from this world.
Why I do hope that today is the last day of the earth.
So that I can just go and walk away from me.
Something inside me that freaks me out a little bit.

I don't know is it because I am too much time and don't know what to do, or the fact that I feel ugly and lonely and pathetic.

I think I need to do blogging more often so I can channel my emotions to writing since I feel so embarrassed to bother my mom about these.

I think I need to find my inner peace soon.
Namaste.

Job hunting in Japan

Well I guess first of all, happy new year 2014!! (It's so late but better than never I guess :p)

So here is a recap about what happened from December 2013 to January 2014.

December 2013
It's the start of setsumeikai. Everyday I almost attended setsumeikais in the midst of cold weather in campus. That quarter, even though I didn't take a lot of classes, it's pretty tiring n tough for attending setsumeikai and we had to listen to their explanation, research their company and so on. I felt pretty sick of it and quite stressed up. So I went back to indonesia for my Christmas and new year as I wouldn't go back during 2014 spring holiday which would be my first time spending my spring holiday in japan actually. I was quite sick of the setsumeikai at some days before going back, but held on that I would go home soon.
I did spend a good time back home, though didn't have time to meet my friends but I had my Christmas Eve mass back in jakarta after 3 years, going to visit my bro in sg, and having fun time with my family back in jakarta.

January 2014
For the New Year's Eve, I was still in SG that time. We celebrated it by going to Clarke quay since marina bay was crowded so we decided to stay a while in Clarke quay and went back home. Then, unexpectedly, I went to watch Rain aka Bi show in marina bay sands. It's so random since my mom's friend all of a sudden offered the ticket to me but I guess, YOLO and so I watched it and I guess it is my main highlight in 2014 until now.
Then the good time finally has ended and I had to return to japan and continue my job hunting.

For my job hunting, actually I have been preparing it since ny 3rd year by going to internship and bought the suits and those ugly black shoes back in jakarta last spring holiday. Since I thought I had a good internship in one company, I put my mind to work there as well so i knew what my main priority was. I expected myself to be tough and not easily giving up for job hunting and thought that I might have a good chance to work in the company that I laid my eyes on since I had intern chop experience in that company before. I made the entry sheet for that company long time before, researched about it and even had my prof and career office staff checked my entry sheet to make sure that it would be good enough.

On January, I starting to submit cv to some companies. Honestly, sine they are my first companies I applied to, I didn't expect much to them but surprisingly, those companies are the one which I made through the second interview at least. Contrarily, that company which I had prepared for, guess what, I didn't even pass the first screening. It was quite a shock but I faced it well in the beginning.

This job hunting really had kicked my mood off. There were many times when I had to wait and believe me people , waiting is super sucks. Thank God my mom came to visit me from march 16 till April 12 which was a fresh air since I was quite depressed from this job hunting.

Well, to make it fast, I get one offer and am going to sign the contract tomorrow. Hopefully there won't be any prob ne.

There were many craps that happened during this shitty job hunting. Will write about it next time.