Anti climax

So I know I am supposed to be happy now. It's my last semester in uni, I only have a few classes, I pass first screening for honors, I still have a roommate at least.every thing seems fine.

But

I don't know.

Recently I was quite depressed, confused, worried, and many so annoying feelings.

Well I guess the resource of my depressed feeling is because I still can't receive that I don't get thing that I want it.

As I've told you, before I did really want to work in japan. I even had prepared for job hunting for long time. But since I had internships here, I realized that it's not easy and I was thinking that it would be fine even if I wouldn't work in japan. So I thought for other choices and SG looked perfect.
My dad wants me to work there, it is near, I have my brother there so I won't be alone. And more important, I guess I am a type that needs a fresh start after some years stuck in one place you know. Like what I felt when I was in my senior year in high school. Just having this urgency to just get out from this place and start something from zero again.

But it didn't work out.

I was depressed coz my dream of being with my bro in a new place with new people couldn't be fulfilled. Actually though it's now been a few weeks, I still can't find the peace, the ability to let go. I know that I should have been grateful as not many friends have got their job now. But still to be honest I'm still completely unsure. Is this the right one? Will they treat me well? Can I do this?

Also maybe my biggest concern is that I have to start working on this oct.and the fact that this company is not as big and cool as what I hoped to. I'm afraid that when somebody asks, I will be embarrassed to tell it which is stupid I know but that's what I'm feeling honestly.

This morning, I also had a breakdown. I felt so insecure, scared, lost, sad, and other stupid feelings.
I don't know it's because I feel so ugly right now or the fact that I will sign the contract tomorrow which takes my nerves out, or just mood swing.

I hate myself a lot of times. Because I'm not good enough, because I'm ugly, because I'm lonely, and thousands of reasons that I can make excuse for.

My mom said that I was not a grateful person.
No, I was not.
I am not a grateful person.
I am a person who envies a lot.
I am a person who rarely satisfies with every thing.

Recently, I start losing my faith.
My mom said that if I've tried my best and I didn't get the ones that I wanted, maybe the one that God has given to me in advance is the right thing for me.
I know that.
I understand that.
But seriously it is not easy.

I do feel sad when I had to bother my mom with stupid message saying I'm stressed, I feel sad, I am depressed.

Sometimes maybe I need to go see psychiatrist. To check whether my mental state is normal or not. Why I do feel like I want to be just lost from this world.
Why I do hope that today is the last day of the earth.
So that I can just go and walk away from me.
Something inside me that freaks me out a little bit.

I don't know is it because I am too much time and don't know what to do, or the fact that I feel ugly and lonely and pathetic.

I think I need to do blogging more often so I can channel my emotions to writing since I feel so embarrassed to bother my mom about these.

I think I need to find my inner peace soon.
Namaste.

Job hunting in Japan

Well I guess first of all, happy new year 2014!! (It's so late but better than never I guess :p)

So here is a recap about what happened from December 2013 to January 2014.

December 2013
It's the start of setsumeikai. Everyday I almost attended setsumeikais in the midst of cold weather in campus. That quarter, even though I didn't take a lot of classes, it's pretty tiring n tough for attending setsumeikai and we had to listen to their explanation, research their company and so on. I felt pretty sick of it and quite stressed up. So I went back to indonesia for my Christmas and new year as I wouldn't go back during 2014 spring holiday which would be my first time spending my spring holiday in japan actually. I was quite sick of the setsumeikai at some days before going back, but held on that I would go home soon.
I did spend a good time back home, though didn't have time to meet my friends but I had my Christmas Eve mass back in jakarta after 3 years, going to visit my bro in sg, and having fun time with my family back in jakarta.

January 2014
For the New Year's Eve, I was still in SG that time. We celebrated it by going to Clarke quay since marina bay was crowded so we decided to stay a while in Clarke quay and went back home. Then, unexpectedly, I went to watch Rain aka Bi show in marina bay sands. It's so random since my mom's friend all of a sudden offered the ticket to me but I guess, YOLO and so I watched it and I guess it is my main highlight in 2014 until now.
Then the good time finally has ended and I had to return to japan and continue my job hunting.

For my job hunting, actually I have been preparing it since ny 3rd year by going to internship and bought the suits and those ugly black shoes back in jakarta last spring holiday. Since I thought I had a good internship in one company, I put my mind to work there as well so i knew what my main priority was. I expected myself to be tough and not easily giving up for job hunting and thought that I might have a good chance to work in the company that I laid my eyes on since I had intern chop experience in that company before. I made the entry sheet for that company long time before, researched about it and even had my prof and career office staff checked my entry sheet to make sure that it would be good enough.

On January, I starting to submit cv to some companies. Honestly, sine they are my first companies I applied to, I didn't expect much to them but surprisingly, those companies are the one which I made through the second interview at least. Contrarily, that company which I had prepared for, guess what, I didn't even pass the first screening. It was quite a shock but I faced it well in the beginning.

This job hunting really had kicked my mood off. There were many times when I had to wait and believe me people , waiting is super sucks. Thank God my mom came to visit me from march 16 till April 12 which was a fresh air since I was quite depressed from this job hunting.

Well, to make it fast, I get one offer and am going to sign the contract tomorrow. Hopefully there won't be any prob ne.

There were many craps that happened during this shitty job hunting. Will write about it next time.