Anti climax

So I know I am supposed to be happy now. It's my last semester in uni, I only have a few classes, I pass first screening for honors, I still have a roommate at least.every thing seems fine.

But

I don't know.

Recently I was quite depressed, confused, worried, and many so annoying feelings.

Well I guess the resource of my depressed feeling is because I still can't receive that I don't get thing that I want it.

As I've told you, before I did really want to work in japan. I even had prepared for job hunting for long time. But since I had internships here, I realized that it's not easy and I was thinking that it would be fine even if I wouldn't work in japan. So I thought for other choices and SG looked perfect.
My dad wants me to work there, it is near, I have my brother there so I won't be alone. And more important, I guess I am a type that needs a fresh start after some years stuck in one place you know. Like what I felt when I was in my senior year in high school. Just having this urgency to just get out from this place and start something from zero again.

But it didn't work out.

I was depressed coz my dream of being with my bro in a new place with new people couldn't be fulfilled. Actually though it's now been a few weeks, I still can't find the peace, the ability to let go. I know that I should have been grateful as not many friends have got their job now. But still to be honest I'm still completely unsure. Is this the right one? Will they treat me well? Can I do this?

Also maybe my biggest concern is that I have to start working on this oct.and the fact that this company is not as big and cool as what I hoped to. I'm afraid that when somebody asks, I will be embarrassed to tell it which is stupid I know but that's what I'm feeling honestly.

This morning, I also had a breakdown. I felt so insecure, scared, lost, sad, and other stupid feelings.
I don't know it's because I feel so ugly right now or the fact that I will sign the contract tomorrow which takes my nerves out, or just mood swing.

I hate myself a lot of times. Because I'm not good enough, because I'm ugly, because I'm lonely, and thousands of reasons that I can make excuse for.

My mom said that I was not a grateful person.
No, I was not.
I am not a grateful person.
I am a person who envies a lot.
I am a person who rarely satisfies with every thing.

Recently, I start losing my faith.
My mom said that if I've tried my best and I didn't get the ones that I wanted, maybe the one that God has given to me in advance is the right thing for me.
I know that.
I understand that.
But seriously it is not easy.

I do feel sad when I had to bother my mom with stupid message saying I'm stressed, I feel sad, I am depressed.

Sometimes maybe I need to go see psychiatrist. To check whether my mental state is normal or not. Why I do feel like I want to be just lost from this world.
Why I do hope that today is the last day of the earth.
So that I can just go and walk away from me.
Something inside me that freaks me out a little bit.

I don't know is it because I am too much time and don't know what to do, or the fact that I feel ugly and lonely and pathetic.

I think I need to do blogging more often so I can channel my emotions to writing since I feel so embarrassed to bother my mom about these.

I think I need to find my inner peace soon.
Namaste.